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Tips for
Better Marital Relationship
Ibrahim Bowers
Although many Muslims may right now be in failing
marriages and on a fast track to divorce and its terrible
consequences, there are many ways to put their marriage back on
the right track if the husband and wife are sincere in their
desire to reconcile. The following principles can be used by
Muslims whose marriages are already in trouble or by Muslims who
would like to avoid trouble in their marriage.
Examples
of Negative Relationship of Husband & Wife
Many Muslim
husbands and wives treat each other like adversaries rather than
partners. The husband feels that he is the boss, and whatever he
says goes. The wife feels that she must squeeze
everything she
can out of her husband. Some wives never show their husband that
they are satisfied with anything he does or buys for them in order
to trick him into doing and buying more. They make him feel like a
failure if he does not give them the lifestyle that their friends
and families enjoy. Some husbands speak very harshly to their
wives, humiliate them, and even physically abuse them. Their wives
have no voice or opinion in the family.
Marriage In The
Eyes of Allah
It is very sad that this relationship which
Allah (SWT) has
established for the good has been made a
source of contention,
deception, trickery, tyranny,
humiliation, and abuse. This is not the way marriage is supposed
to be.
Allah (SWT) described marriage very differently in
the Holy
Quran: '. . . He created for you mates from among
yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has
put love and mercy between your (hearts) . . . " (Holy Quran
30:21, Yusuf Ali Translation).
Do not be a
Tyrant
Regardless of whether or not Islam has made the
husband the head of the household, Muslims are not supposed to be
dictators and tyrants. We are taught to treat our wives well. The
Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) was reported to have said: 'The most
perfect Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent
behavior; and the best among you are those who behave best towards
their wives" (From Mishkat al-Masabih, No. 0278(R)
Transmitted by Tirmidhi).
Be Partners in the Decision
Making Process.
Follow the principle of 'Shura," and
make decisions as a family. There will be much more harmony in the
family when decisions are not imposed and everyone feels that they
had some part in making them.
Never be Abusive
Never
be emotionally, mentally, or physically abusive to your
spouse.
The Prophet (SAWS) never mistreated his wives. He is
reported
to have said: 'How could they beat their women in daytime as
slaves and then sleep with them in the night?"
Be
Careful of Your Words
Be very careful what you say when you
are upset. Sometimes you will say things that you would never say
when you were not angry. If you are angry, wait until you calm
down before continuing the conversation.
Show
Affection
Show affection for your mate. Be kind, gentle,
and loving.
Be Your Spouse's Friend
Show
interest in your mate's life. Too often, we live in the same house
but know nothing about each other's lives. It would be great if
the husband and wife could work together for the same cause or on
the same project. They could perhaps establish a husband/wife
prison ministry, take care of orphans in their home, or lead an
Islamic weekend class.
Show Appreciation
Show
appreciation for what your spouse does for the family. Never make
your husband feel that he is not doing good enough for the family
or that you are not satisfied with his work or his efforts,
unless, of course, he is truly lazy and not even trying to provide
for the family. The Prophet (SAWS) was reported to have said: 'On
the Day of Judgment, God will not look upon the woman who has been
ungrateful to her husband." (where is this hadith found) Show
your wife that you appreciate her. If she takes care of the house
and the children, don't take it for granted. It is hard work, and
no one likes to feel unappreciated.
Work Together in
the House
The Prophet (SAWS) is known to have helped his
wives in the house. And if the Prophet (SAWS) was not above doing
housework, modern Muslim husbands shouldn't feel that they are.
Communication is Important
Communication,
Communication, Communication! This is the big word in counseling.
And it should be. Husbands and wives need to talk to each other.
It is better to deal with problems early and honestly than to let
them pile up until an explosion occurs.
Forget Past
Problems
Don't bring up past problems once they have been
solved.
Live Simply
Don't be jealous of those
who seem to be living a more luxurious life than your family. The
'rizq" is from Allah (SWT). In order to develop the quality
of contentment, look at those people who have less than you, not
those who have more. Thank Allah (SWT) for the many blessings in
your life.
Give Your Spouse Time Alone
If your
mate doesn't want to be with you all the time, itdoesn't mean he
or she doesn't love you. People need to be alone for various
reasons. Sometimes they want to read, to think about their
problems, or just to relax. Don't make them feel that they are
committing a sin.
Admit Your Mistakes
When you
make a mistake, admit it. When your mate makes a mistake, excuse
him or her easily. If possible, never go to sleep angry at each
other.
Physical Relationship is Important
Be
available to your mate sexually, and don't let your sexual
relationship be characterized by selfishness. The Prophet
(SAWS) was reported to have said: 'It is not appropriate that you
fall upon your wives like a beast but you must send a message of
love beforehand."
Have Meals Together
Try
to eat together as a family when possible. Show the cook and the
dishwasher, whether it is the husband or the wife, appreciation
for his or her efforts. The Prophet (SAWS) did not complain about
food that was put before him.
Be Mindful of Your
discussion Topics
Never discuss with others things about
your marriage that your
spouse wouldn't like you to discuss,
unless there is an Islamic
reason to do so. Some husbands and
wives, believe it or not,
complain to others about their
mate's physical appearance. This is a recipe for disaster.
Information about your intimate relations should be kept between
you and your spouse.
Many of us treat our spouses in ways
that we would never treat
others. With others, we try to be
polite, kind, and patient. With our spouses, we often do not show
these courtesies. Of course, we are usually with our spouses at
our worst times --- when we are tired and frustrated after a hard
day. After a bad day at the office, husbands usually come home
angry and on edge. The wife has probably also had a hard day with
the children and the housework. Wives and husbands should discuss
this potential time bomb so that if they are short-tempered with
each other during these times, they will understand the reasons
rather than automatically thinking that their spouse no longer
loves them.
Good marriages require patience, kindness,
humility, sacrifice,
empathy, love, understanding,
forgiveness, and hard work. Following these principles should help
any marriage to improve. The essence of them all can be summed up
in one sentence: Always treat your spouse the way you would like
to be treated. If you follow this rule, your marriage will have a
much greater chance for success. If you discard this rule, failure
is just around the corner.
Source: Sound
Vision
www.soundvision.com
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