|
 In
the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
|
|
All praise and thanks
be to Allah Subhaanahu wa Taalaa & salams upon His final Messenger Muhammad
(peace & blessings be upon him);
|
She
chooses a good husband
One of the ways in which Islam has honoured
woman is by giving her the right to choose her husband. Her parents
have no right to force her to marry someone she dislikes. The
Muslim woman knows this right, but she does not reject the advice
and guidance of her parents when a potential suitor comes along,
because they have her best interests at heart, and they have more
experience of life and people. At the same time, she does not
forego this right because of her father's wishes that may make him
force his daughter into a marriage with someone she dislikes.
There are many texts that support the woman in this sensitive
issue, for example the report quoted by Imam Al-Bukhaari
from al-Khansa' bint
Khidam:
"My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this
match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah
. He said to me: `Accept what your father has arranged.' I
said, `I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.' He
said, `Then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you
wish.' I said, `I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I
wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter's
matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them).'"2
At
first, the Prophet told al-Khansa' to
obey her father, and this is as it should be, because the concern
of fathers for their daughters' well-being is well-known.
But when he realized that her father wanted to force her into a
marriage she did not want, he gave her the freedom to choose, and
saved her from the oppression of a father who wanted to force her
into an unwanted marriage.
Islam does not want to impose an unbearable burden on women by
forcing them to marry a man they dislike, because it wants
marriages to be successful, based on compatibility between the
partners; there should be common ground between them in terms of
physical looks, attitudes, habits, inclinations and aspirations. If
something goes wrong, and the woman feels that she cannot love her
husband sincerely, and fears that she may commit the sin of
disobeying and opposing this husband whom she does not love, then
she may ask for a divorce. This is confirmed by the report in which
the wife of Thabit ibn
Qays ibn Shammas, Jamilah the
sister of `Abdullah ibn Ubayy, came to the Prophet and said: "O
Messenger of Allah, I have nothing against Thabit
ibn Qays as
regards his religion or his behaviour,
but I hate to commit any act of kufr when
I am a Muslim. The Prophet said: "Will you give his garden
back to him?" - her mahr had been a garden. She said,
"Yes." So the Messenger of Allah sent word to him:
"Take back your garden, and give her one pronouncement of
divorce."3
According to a report given by Al-Bukhaari
from Ibn `Abbas,
she said, "I do not blame Thabit for
anything with regard to his religion or his behaviour,
but I do not like him."
Islam has protected woman's pride and humanity, and has
respected her wishes with regard to the choice of a husband with
whom she will spend the rest of her life. It is not acceptable for
anyone, no matter who he is, to force a woman into a marriage with
a man she does not like.
There is no clearer indication of this than the story of Barirah, an Ethiopian slave-girl who belonged
to `Utbah ibn
Abu Lahab, who forced her to marry
another slave whose name was Mughith. She
would never have accepted him as a husband if she had been in
control of her own affairs. `A'ishah (May
Allah be pleased with her) took pity on her, so she bought her and
set her free. Then this young woman felt that she was free and in
control of her own affairs, and that she could take a decision
about her marriage. She asked her husband for a divorce. Her
husband used to follow her, weeping, whilst she rejected him. Al-Bukhaari quotes Ibn `Abbas describing this freed woman who insisted
on the annulment of her marriage to someone she did not love; the
big-hearted Prophet commented on this moving sight, and sought to
intervene.
Ibn `Abbas
said:
"Barirah's husband was a slave, who
was known as Mughith. I can almost see
him, running after her and crying, with tears running down onto his
beard. The Prophet said to `Abbas, `O `Abbas, do you not find it strange, how much Mugith loves Barirah,
and how much Barirah hates Mughith?' The Prophet said (to Barirah), `Why do you not go back to him?' She
said, `O Messenger of Allah, are you commanding me to do so?' He
said, `I am merely trying to intervene on his behalf.' She said, `I
have no need of him.'"4
The Prophet was deeply moved by this display of human emotion: deep
and overwhelming love on the part of the husband, and equally
powerful hatred on the part of the wife. He could not help but
remind the wife, and ask her why she did not go back to him, as he
was her husband and the father of her child. This believing woman
asked him, whether he was ordering her to do so: was this a
command, a binding obligation? The Prophet ,
this great law-giver and educator, replied that he was merely
trying to intercede and bring about reconciliation if possible; he
was not trying to force anybody to do something they did not wish
to.
Let
those stubborn, hard-hearted fathers who oppress their own
daughters listen to the teaching of the Prophet !
The Muslim woman who understands the teachings of her religion has
wise and correct standards when it comes to choosing a husband. She
does not concern herself just with good looks, high status, a
luxurious lifestyle or any of the other things that usually attract
women. She looks into his level of religious commitment and his
attitude and behaviour, because these are
the pillars of a successful marriage, and the best features of a
husband. Islamic teaching indicates the importance of these
qualities in a potential husband, as Islam obliges a woman to
accept the proposal of anyone who has these qualities, lest fitnah and corruption become widespread in
society:
"If
there comes to you one with whose religion and attitude you are
satisfied, then give your daughter to him in marriage, for if you
do not do so, fitnah anmischief
will become widespread on earth."5
Just as the true Muslim young man will not be attracted to the
pretty girls who have grown up in a bad environment, so the Muslim
young woman who is guided by her religion will not be attracted to
stupid "play-boy" types, no matter how handsome they may
be. Rather she will be attracted to the serious, educated,
believing man who is clean-living and pure of heart, whose behaviour is good and whose understanding of
religion is sound. No-one is a suitable partner for the good,
believing woman except a good, believing man; and no-one is a
suitable partner for the wayward, immoral woman but a wayward,
immoral man, as Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) has
said:
Women
impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure, and
women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for
women of purity . . . (Qur'aan
24:26)
This does not mean that the Muslim woman should completely ignore
the matter of physical appearance, and put up with unattractiveness
or ugliness. It is her right - as stated above - to marry a man for
whom her heart may be filled with love, and who is pleasing to her
both in his appearance and in his conduct. Appearance should not be
neglected at the expense of inner nature, or vice versa. A woman
should choose a man who is attractive to her in all aspects, one
who will gain her admiration and respect. The true Muslim woman is
never dazzled by outward appearances, and she never lets them
distract her from seeing the essence of a potential spouse.
The Muslim woman knows that the man has the right of qiwamah over her, as the Qur'aan
says:
( Men are the
protectors and maintainers [qawwamun] of
women, because Allah has given the one more [strength] than the
other, and because they support them from their means . .
.) (Qur'aan 4:34)
Hence she wants to marry a man of whose qiwamah
over her she will feel proud, one whom she will be happy to marry
and never regret it. She wants a man who will take her hand in his
and set out to fulfil their life's
mission of establishing a Muslim family and raising
a new generation of intelligent and caring children, in an
atmosphere of love and harmony, which will not be impeded by
conflicting attitudes or religious differences. Believing men and
believing women are supposed to walk side-by-side on the journey of
life, which is a serious matter for the believer, so that they may fulfil the great mission with which Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) has entrusted mankind, men and women
alike, as the Qur'aan says:
( For Muslim men and women - for believing men and women, for
devout men and women, for true men and women, for men and women who
are constant and patient, for men and women who humble themselves,
for men and women who give in charity, for men and women who fast
[and deny themselves], for men and women who guard their chastity,
and for men and women who engage much in Allah's praise - for them
has Allah prepared forgiveness and great reward.) (Qur'aan 33:35)
In order to achieve this great goal of strengthening the marriage
bond, and establishing a stable family life, it is essential to
choose the right partner in the first place.
Among the great Muslim women who are known for their strength of
character, lofty aspirations and far-sightedness in their choice of
a husband is Umm Sulaym bint Milhan, who was
one of the first Ansar women to embrace
Islam. She was married to Malik ibn Nadar, and bore
him a son, Anas. When she embraced Islam,
her husband Malik was angry with her, and
left her, but she persisted in her Islam. Shortly afterwards, she
heard the news of his death, and she was still in the flower of her
youth. She bore it all with the hope of reward, for the sake of
Allah (subhaanahu wa
'ta'aalaa), and devoted herself to taking
care of her ten-year-old son Anas. She
took him to the Prophet , so that he could
serve him (and learn from him).
One of the best young men of Madinah, one
of the best-looking, richest and strongest, came to seek her hand
in marriage. This was Abu Talhah - before
he became Muslim. Many of the young women of Yathrib
liked him because of his wealth, strength and youthful good looks,
and he thought that Umm Sulaym would
joyfully rush to accept his offer. But to his astonishment, she
told him, "O Abu Talhah, do you not
know that your god whom you worship is just a tree that grew in the
ground and was carved into shape by the slave of Banu so-and-so." He said,
"Of course." She said, "Do you not feel ashamed to
prostrate yourself to a piece of wood that grew in the ground and
was carved by the slave of Banu
so-and-so?" Abu Talhah was stubborn,
and hinted to her of an expensive dowry and luxurious lifestyle,
but she persisted in her point of view, and told him frankly:
"O Abu Talhah, a man like you could
not be turned away, but you are a disbelieving man, and I am a
Muslim woman. It is not permitted for me to marry you, but if you
were to embrace Islam, that would be my dowry (mahr),
and I would ask you for nothing more."6
He returned the following day to try to tempt her with a larger dowry
and more generous gift, but she stood firm, and her persistance and maturity only enhanced her
beauty in his eyes. She said to him, "O Abu Talhah, do you not know that your god whom you
worship was carved by the carpenter slave of so-and-so? If you were
to set it alight, it would burn." Her words came as a shock to
Abu Talhah, and he asked himself, Does
the Lord burn? Then he uttered the words: "Ashhadu
an la ilaha
ill-Allah wa ashhadu
anna Muhammadan
rasul-Allah."
Then Umm Sulaym said to her son Anas, with joy flooding her entire being,
"O Anas, marry me to Abu Talhah." So Anas
brought witnesses and the marriage was solemnized.
Abu Talhah was so happy that he was
determined to put all his wealth at Umm Sulaym's
disposal, but hers was the attitude of the selfless, proud, sincere
believing woman. She told him, "O Abu Talhah,
I married you for the sake of Allah (subhaanahu
wa 'ta'aalaa),
and I will not take any other dowry." She knew that when Abu Talhah embraced Islam, she did not only win
herself a worthy husband, but she also earned a reward from Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) that was better than owning red
camels (the most highly-prized kind) in this world, as she had
heard the Prophet say:
"If
Allah (subhaanahu wa
'ta'aalaa) were to guide one person to
Islam through you, it is better for you than owning red
camels."7
Such great Muslim women are examples worthy of emulation, from whom Muslim women may learn purity of faith,
strength of character, soundness of belief and wisdom in choosing a
husband.
==========================
Insha'allah Second Part titled She is
obedient to her husband
and shows him respect
|
