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Marriage
Tips for a Better Husband
and Wife Relationship
By
Ibrahim Bowers
Although
many Muslims may right now be in failing marriages and on a fast
track to divorce and its terrible consequences, there are many
ways to put their marriage back on the right track if the husband
and wife are sincere in their desire to reconcile. The following
principles can be used by Muslims whose marriages are already in
trouble or by Muslims who would like to avoid trouble in their
marriage.
Examples of Negative
Relationship of
Husband & Wife
Many Muslim husbands and wives treat
each other like adversaries rather than partners. The husband
feels that he is the boss, and whatever he says goes. The wife
feels that she must squeeze everything she can out of her husband.
Some wives never show their husband that they are satisfied with
anything he does or buys for them in order to trick him into doing
and buying more. They make him feel like a failure if he does not
give them the lifestyle that their friends and families enjoy.
Some husbands speak very harshly to their wives, humiliate them,
and even physically abuse them. Their wives have no voice or
opinion in the family.
Marriage In The Eyes of Allah
It
is very sad that this relationship which Allah (SWT) has
established for the good has been made a source of contention,
deception, trickery, tyranny, humiliation, and abuse. This is not
the way marriage is supposed to be.
Allah (SWT) described
marriage very differently in the Holy Quran: '. . . He created for
you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity
with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts) . .
. " (Holy Quran 30:21, Yusuf Ali Translation).
Do
not be a Tyrant
Regardless of whether or not Islam has
made the husband the head of the household, Muslims are not
supposed to be dictators and tyrants. We are taught to treat our
wives well. The Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) was reported to have said:
'The most perfect Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has
excellent behavior; and the best among you are those who behave
best towards their wives" (From Mishkat al-Masabih, No.
0278(R) Transmitted by Tirmidhi).
Be Partners in the
Decision Making Process.
Follow the principle of
'Shura," and make decisions as a family. There will be much
more harmony in the family when decisions are not imposed and
everyone feels that they had some part in making them.
Never
be Emotionally
Never be emotionally, mentally, or
physically abusive to your spouse. The Prophet (SAWS) never
mistreated his wives. He is reported to have said: 'How could they
beat their women in daytime as slaves and then sleep with them in
the night?"
Be Careful of Your Words
Be
very careful what you say when you are upset. Sometimes you will
say things that you would never say when you were not angry. If
you are angry, wait until you calm down before continuing the
conversation.
Show Affection
Show affection
for your mate. Be kind, gentle, and loving.
Be Your
Spouse's Friend
Show interest in your mate's life. Too
often, we live in the same house but know nothing about each
other's lives. It would be great if the husband and wife could
work together for the same cause or on the same project. They
could perhaps establish a husband/wife prison ministry, take care
of orphans in their home, or lead an Islamic weekend class.
Show
Appreciation
Show appreciation for what your spouse
does for the family. Never make your husband feel that he is not
doing good enough for the family or that you are not satisfied
with his work or his efforts, unless, of course, he is truly lazy
and not even trying to provide for the family. The Prophet (SAWS)
was reported to have said: 'On the Day of Judgment, God will not
look upon the woman who has been ungrateful to her husband."
(where is this hadith found) Show your wife that you appreciate
her. If she takes care of the house and the children, don't take
it for granted. It is hard work, and no one likes to feel
unappreciated.
Work Together in the House
The
Prophet (SAWS) is known to have helped his wives in the house. And
if the Prophet (SAWS) was not above doing housework, modern Muslim
husbands shouldn't feel that they are.
Communication is
Important
Communication, Communication, Communication!
This is the big word in counseling. And it should be. Husbands and
wives need to talk to each other. It is better to deal with
problems early and honestly than to let them pile up until an
explosion occurs.
Forget Past Problems
Don't
bring up past problems once they have been solved.
Live
Simply
Don't be jealous of those who seem to be living
a more luxurious life than your family. The 'rizq" is from
Allah (SWT). In order to develop the quality of contentment, look
at those people who have less than you, not those who have more.
Thank Allah (SWT) for the many blessings in your life.
Give
Your Spouse Time Alone
If your mate doesn't want to be
with you all the time, it doesn't mean he or she doesn't love you.
People need to be alone for various reasons. Sometimes they want
to read, to think about their problems, or just to relax. Don't
make them feel that they are committing a sin.
Admit
Your Mistakes
When you make a mistake, admit it. When
your mate makes a mistake, excuse him or her easily. If possible,
never go to sleep angry with each other.
Physical
Relationship is Important
Be available to your mate
sexually, and don't let your sexual relationship be characterized
by selfishness. The Prophet (SAWS) was reported to have said: 'It
is not appropriate that you fall upon your wives like a beast but
you must send a message of love beforehand."
Have
Meals Together
Try to eat together as a family when
possible. Show the cook and the dishwasher, whether it is the
husband or the wife, appreciation for his or her efforts. The
Prophet (SAWS) did not complain about food that was put before
him.
Be Mindful of Your discussion Topics
Never
discuss with others things about your marriage that your spouse
wouldn't like you to discuss, unless there is an Islamic reason to
do so. Some husbands and wives, believe it or not, complain to
others about their mate's physical appearance. This is a recipe
for disaster. Information about your intimate relations should be
kept between you and your spouse.
Many of us treat our
spouses in ways that we would never treat others. With others, we
try to be polite, kind, and patient. With our spouses, we often do
not show these courtesies. Of course, we are usually with our
spouses at our worst times --- when we are tired and frustrated
after a hard day. After a bad day at the office, husbands usually
come home angry and on edge. The wife has probably also had a hard
day with the children and the housework. Wives and husbands should
discuss this potential time bomb so that if they are
short-tempered with each other during these times, they will
understand the reasons rather than automatically thinking that
their spouse no longer loves them.
Good marriages
require patience, kindness, humility, sacrifice, empathy,
love, understanding, forgiveness, and hard work. Following these
principles should help any marriage to improve. The essence of
them all can be summed up in one sentence: Always treat your
spouse the way you would like to be treated. If you follow this
rule, your marriage will have a much greater chance for success.
If you discard this rule, failure is just around the corner.
DU’AA
FOR HAPPY MARRIED LIFE
'Allaahummaj-al
min azwaajinaa wa
dhurriyyaatinaa qurrata a-ayunin waj-alnaa
lil muttaqeena imaamaa'
(O Allah!
grant us such wives and offspring who have a coolness of the eyes,
and make us leaders of the Allah-Fearing)
PROTECTION
OF ONE'S DEEN, LIFE, FAMILY AND WEALTH
Hazrat
Ma'qal bin Yasaar (R.A) narrates:
Once I
expressed my fears to Rasulullah over 5 things in my life. I
feared that I would be misled or deviate from the
Siraatul-Mustaqeem. The second was regarding my life. I feared
harm or illness would befall me. The third was about my children,
that they would suffer Deeni or worldly harm. My fourth concern
was my wife, that she too may suffer physical or spiritual harm.
The fifth fear I had was over my wealth, should there occur a loss
of income or property. After listening to my fears, Rasulullah
taught me the following Dua: To be recited 3 times morning and
evening,
Bismillahi
ala deeni wanafsi wawaladi wa ahli wa mali.
("May
the blessings of Allah be on my Deen, life, children, family and
wealth.")
[Kanzul-Ummaal, Vol.2,
P.636]
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