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"PIVOTAL QUOTE"
When
seriously considering marriage, you must pose the question to
yourself as to just what kind of wife you want, what her qualities
should be in order to establish an Islamic and peaceful
household,
and how you will know who she is.
All praise
is due to Allaah, Lord of the worlds, the Merciful, the Hearer of
supplications, and peace and blessings upon our beloved and humble
prophet Muhammad,and upon his family and companions.
When
marriage is spoken of during these "modern" times,
Muslims become horrified, conjuring images of an arranged
marriage, trying to find that "perfect" companion, how
much of a financial burden it
will become, and so on. The
reality is that Islam came to solve these problems,not exacerbate
them, yet unfortunately we have integrated our local traditionsand
customs with Islam so that marriagehas become a major concern for
a man rather than a delightful experience.
When living in a
free, perverted and corrupt Western society, the Muslim male youth
finds many temptations and tests, as a result of mixing with
females,which he must face and overcome. He must
constantly
resist these temptations, which are thrown at him in the streets,
on the media, and at work. And so the wisdom of the Prophet
(s.a.w) echoes on,when he said: "O young men, those among
you
who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains the
eyes from casting (evil glances), and preserves one from
immorality..."
When seriously considering marriage,
you must pose the question to yourself as to just what kind of
wife you want, what her qualities should be in order to establish
an Islamic and peaceful household,
and how you will know who
she is. As Muslims, we believe that Allaah wants the best for us,
and that His Prophet (s.a.w) illustrated this through his own
life. So note that by following the advise of
our own Creator,
and that of His beloved servant, we can only be successful.
WHO
TO MARRY Islam is clear on the kind of wife you should be seeking.
The Prophet (s.a.w) said: "A woman may be married for four
reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty, and her
religion;
so try to get one who is religious, may you be
blessed." This specifically defines just what kind of a
companion we are seeking, for if we marry her for anything other
than her religious piety, our
marriage is bound to fall into
misery. True, beauty and charm is hard to resist, yet beauty does
not last forever and does not guarantee you her obedience and
religiousness. Financial status is
dynamic, and so is worldly
status, yet religion strongly establishes a household, and it may
be that through your intention of marrying her for her religion,
the rest is given to you anyway.
In another hadith, the
Prophet (s.a.w) said: "The whole world is a provision, and
the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman."
Imagine! Nothing in this world is as valuable as a pious
woman!
This point has been stressed many times by RasulAllaah(s.a.w), who
himself, when asked what three things he loved the most, mentioned
a pious woman. Once the following ayah was revealed: "They
who hoard up gold and silver and do not spend it in the way of
Allaah, unto them give tidings of a painful doom. On that day when
it will (all) be heated in the fire of Jahannam, and their
foreheads
and flanks and their backs will be branded therewith
(and it will be said to them): 'Here is what you hoarded for
yourselves, now taste of what you used to hoard' "[al-Taubah:
34-35]. Umar (r.a.a) has
been quoted to say that, when this
ayah was revealed, he approached the Prophet (s.a.w), submitting
that the ayah weighed heavily on the minds of the Sahaba.
RasulAllaah (s.a.w) replied that the best
thing to be treasured
is the devoted wife who causes pleasure when seen, obeys orders
instantly and takes full care of herself and her husbands property
whenhe is away.
Abu Bakr once asked RasulAllaah (s.a.w)
what was the best thing to be treasured, and he (s.a.w) replied:
"the tongue in remembrance of Allaah, the heart filled with
thanks to Allaah, and a pious wife
who helps in virtuous
deeds". Look at how valuable such a woman is in the sight of
Allaah! How can a man live unhappily with such a
person.
QUALITIES OF THE PIOUS WOMAN Alright, you say,
you've convinced me, but what actually makes her a pious woman?
The answer is simple: Allaah himself has described those qualities
most loved by Him in
the Qur'an, and in the ahadith there are
numerous accounts of the virtuous attributes of a pious woman. The
following are some ayahs on the attributes of the wife you should
be seeking, so note those
fine and appreciative qualities. The
following are some ayahs on the attributes of the wife you should
be seeking, so note those fine and appreciative qualities. "And
women of purity are for men of
purity, and men of purity are
for women of purity"[s.24;v.26]
"Therefore the
righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husbands)
absence what Allaah would have them guard"[s.4;v.34]
"It
may be, if he divorced you (all), that Allaah will give him in
exchange consorts better than you, who submit (Muslims), who
believe, who are devout, who turn to Allaah in repentance, who
worship (in humility), who travel (for faith) and
fast..."[s.66;v.5].
And then, in surah Ahzab, is a
full list of those qualities loved by Allaah, qualities which by
the way should be evident in both males and females. So, my dear
brother, choose her for the following
attributes:
-a
Muslim woman
-a Muslim woman
-a believing woman
-a devout
woman
-a true woman
-a woman who is patient and constant
-a
woman who humbles herself
-a woman who gives charity
-a
woman who fasts and denies herself
-a woman who guards her
chastity
-a woman who engages much in Allaah's praise.
Among the four known perfect women was Maryam. She was
loved by Allaah because of her religious qualities:
"O
Maryam! Worship your Lord: prostrate yourself, and bow down (in
prayer) with those who bow down"[s.3;v.43]. Another was the
wife of Pharaoh: "And Allaah sets forth, as an example to
those who believe, the wife of Pharaoh: behold she said: 'O my
Lord, build for me, in nearness to Thee, a mansion in the Garden'
"[s.66;v.11].
The Prophet (s.a.w) loved his wives
because of their religious qualities. Aisha once related the fine
qualities of Zainab: "(Zainab) was the one who was somewhat
equal in rank with me in the eyes of Allaah's Messenger (s.a.w),
and I have never seen a woman more advanced in religious piety
than Zainab, more God-conscious, more truthful, more alive to the
ties of blood, more generous and having more sense of
self-sacrifice in practical life and having more charitable
disposition and thus more closer to Allaah, the Exalted, than
her."
Ah, you think, but you'll never find such a
woman! Well, if that was true, Allaah would not have described her
in the first place, and furthermore those qualities were emanating
from the women
described above. Islam deals with reality, not
fiction. Sure, the perfect woman doesn't exist, yet "if you
take a dislike to them, it may be that you dislike a thing, and
Allaah brings about through
it a great deal of good"[s.4;v.19].
Remember also that you are not perfect either.
KNOWING WHO
SHE IS To find that pious woman, there are two steps to be taken,
and that first one relies on your personal observation. In surah
Nisaa, Allaah asks the believing women that they should
"lower
their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display
their beauty and ornaments," and also that they "should
not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their
hidden
ornaments"[s.24;v.31]. If you notice a woman acting
modestly, being not too obvious through her actions (by lowering
her voice when around men), one who attempts to hide her
attractions (which
includes her external beauty as well as her
internal charms), then you know she has some of those precious
qualities. When you see a woman unashamedly flirting, unconcerned
about her revealing
clothes, and freely converses with males-
keep far, far away. I'm sure when you get married you want your
wife to devote her love to you, not to twenty other "just
good friends".
Through simple observation, you can get
a glimpse of her nature; for example, the way she stands when
conversing, how she maintains eye-contact, her clothes, where she
spends her time etc. Look for
her strong points, and don't
stress on her weak ones.
Yet, after all this, we still have
to come to the most important topic. You can look all you want at
her, set a private investigator to track her Yet, after all this,
we still have to come to the most
important topic. You can look
all you want at her, set a private investigator to track her
movements, read her diaries (all of which I consider extreme and
unIslamic), yet, my dear brother, no-one
knows her heart and
intentions, no-one knows whether she will turn sour or more
religious, or whether you are suitable for each other, except for
Allaah.
TRUST IN Allaah We are choosing our wife for her
permanent values; namely her religious devotions, moral integrity,
character etc. But believe me, if we try ourselves to combine a
marriage, we are
almost sure to fail, because we have no
knowledge.
Allaah loves a servant when he puts his trust in
Him. When we do so, it is illustrating how we rely upon Him for
help, and proving our sincerity to Him, establishing that we
recognize His infinite
knowledge and wisdom. illustrating how
we rely upon Him for help, and proving our sincerity to Him,
establishing that we recognize His infinite knowledge and wisdom.
Islam is likened to being as a
house, and in my estimation
nothing cements that house together as well as putting our trust
in Allaah. It is related on the authority of Jabir ibn 'Abdullah
that the Prophet (s.a.w) used to teach his
companions to seek,
through a special du'a (known as an istikharah), the guidance of
Allaah in all matters which affected them. RasulAllaah (s.a.w)
said: "When you are confused about what you should do in a
certain situation, then pray two rak'at of nafl salaat and read
the following du'a (du'a of istikharah)."
I am
surprised at the criticisms thrown at this du'a, and of its
negligence. We mare humans, powerless in this sphere of life,
knowledgeable only enough to survive. So why shouldn't we turn to
Allaah and seek His perfect help whenever we require it? Allaah
responds to the call of His servant when he asks for guidance, and
we are after all seeking to do something in order to please
Him.
Many wrong notions exist concerning istikharah. Many
Muslims will pray, read the du'a, and run to bed expecting to see
a dream showing them their future wife, what her favorite color
is, and some other weird fantasy. That is not the purpose of this
salaat.
The results of an istikharah can take many forms.
Basically, you go by your feelings, (i.e. you think about
everything carefully and then make a decision ). Also, you may
notice events have changed,
either for or against you - so you
re-evaluate your situation again – and perhaps your decision
might change. Finally, as a wonderful gift from Allaah, you may be
blessed with a dream.
The Prophet (s.a.w) once sent Zainab
a proposal of marriage. She refused to accept the proposal
straight away, expressing her intention to refer the matter to
Allaah: "I do not do anything until I solicit the will of my
Lord." Allaah, the Responsive, answered her plea for help and
revealed an ayah approving of the marriage. We may seem shocked at
her refusal to accept a proposal from what is the best husband any
woman can have, yet she was just recognizing that it is Allaah who
knows how successful such a marriage will be, and as a sign of
appreciation, that reply is now preserved in our Holy Book: al
Qur'an.
The Prophet (s.a.w) once said to Aisha: "I saw
you in a dream for three nights when an angel brought you to me in
a silk cloth and he said: 'Here is your wife', and when I removed
(the cloth) from
your face, lo, it was yourself, so I said: 'if
this is from Allaah, let Him carry it out' ". Marriage is a
serious step, and requires the right attitude. If marriage
completes half our faith, shouldn't that half be the best half? A
woman married for the wrong reasons can only weaken the Muslim
household. Consider that she will be your life-long companion, the
rarer of your children. Don't marry her for her worldly wealth,
but for her wealth in Islamic wisdom and
knowledge. Her status
in this life is but illusionary, so choose her for her status in
the sight of Allaah. Beauty is but superficial, but the beauty of
Iman is transcendent. When asking Allaah for a
wife, call upon
Him by His beautiful names, as He has commanded us:
"For Allaah are certain and dignified names: therefore
call upon Him by them"[s.7;v.189]. Ask for a companion who is
devout, pious, patient and so on. Be among those who say: "Our
Lord, may our spouses and our offspring be a joy to our eyes and
make us
leaders of the righteous"[al-Furqan,74]. I cannot
provide a better conclusion than saying that you must put your
trust in Allaah. You must have trust in His concern for us, and
His ability to help us.
Allaah says: "Put your trust in
Allaah, for Allaah loves those who put their trust in
Him"[s.3;v.159]. May Allaah help us in our sincere efforts in
following His commandments and the way of His
beloved servant,
and provide us with wives whom He loves.
"When my
servants ask you concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I
respond to the prayer of every supplicant when he calls on Me: let
them also, with a will, listen to my call, and believe in Me:that
they may walk in the right way"[al-Baqarah,v.186]
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SistersNikaah (Marriage)
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